If you’ve spent any time on dating apps: tinder, bumble, pof, etc. you’ve probably started to get quicker about what category you put individuals into by only messaging them. During my second trial on Tinder, at least at the beginning, I was in no way interested in a serious relationship.
My profile said “Just looking to meet people”. When asked I would be upfront about not looking for anything serious at that time but I was looking to meet guys as someone to just hangout with or potentially some type of fwb situation.
Enter James. I matched and he messaged me on my first night back on the app. His messages showed he had quite the a sense of humor. Pretty quickly he gives my his snapcode and we switch to messaging on there.
I’m pleasantly relieved when the conversation and snaps stay light, funny and no dick pics are involved. We continue to message for a few days when he brings up meeting irl. I’m open to it and honest about not wanting anything serious. He tells me since he’s just recently moved to the area he’s completely cool with just trying to develop some friendships. Between this and the fact that at no point had he attempted to turn the conversation to sex, I believe he might really be up for just hanging out.
With his work schedule and my travel schedule, the first available time to really meet-up is about a week and a half out. I was actually happy about this since it will give me more time to feel him out and bail on the meet-up if I need to.
Things continue to be pleasant though. It almost became like talking to an old friend. Someone who seemed to have a similar sense of humor. Someone I could use sarcasm with and he seemed to get it.
The night before, right before bed I got a somewhat odd message from him asking what my height was. I’m 5’8”, but his profile said he was 5’10” so I didn’t think it would be a problem. He responded that he just wanted to make sure I wasn’t taller than him. Red flag 1, especially since we’d agreed on just friends. But whatever, people have different insecurities and honestly, when I date I definitely prefer guys to be taller than me.
Meet-up day. We agreed to meet up at a local pizza and beer bar that’s between where we each live. Around 5 pm, as I am leaving work I receive a text:
James: I just found out I have to work at 5am tomorrow. I think we should reschedule
Me(rolling my eyes): Are you sure you can’t meet for just one? We shouldn’t be too late.
James: I really want to wait until I don’t have to worry about a time or drink limit lol. I’m still new to this job and don’t want to take any chances.
Me: I respect that. We’ll figure out another time.
James: You’re the best
Approximately 8pm rolls around:
James: You still up?
Me(it’s 8pm on a Friday, another eye roll): Yes
James: Any chance you’d still be up for that drink?
Me(still in my office clothes, just got home from a drink with another friend): I thought you didn’t want to go out because of work
Jamess: I still have to work early but I’m not falling asleep anytime soon. Drink?
Me: Sure
James: Can I switch to your number to send you the address?
Me: Not the bar?
James: No – it’s this low-key whiskey place (flag 2)
We exchange numbers and he texts me an address. I put it into maps on my phone, call my friend, give her all information of my whereabouts along with a photo of James (basic backup plan) and talk to her while I drive and eventually pull into this place.
I’m not completely familiar with this area of town and as I pull in I realize its a leasing office for an apartment complex. I must have typed in the wrong address. I give him a call. I’m at the right place. He decided we’d meet as his apartment and he could drive.
Almost instinctively I throw the car into reverse. He must have known because he instantly starts talking me into staying. While my more intelligent and logical side told me to go home, curiosity and the fact that I was already there got the best of me. I pull back in and walk up to the nearby building which aligned with the apartment number he gave me. I knock on the door and was not at all prepared for what I was about to see.
Note: James was in his mid thirties and according to his profile and what he told me was an up and coming professional who was working as an Operations Manager at a local facility with memberships in various professional associations, etc. What I saw could be best described as “Hipster Frat Boy”.
First, he is easily 2” shorter than me. Something I wouldn’t even care to note except he had made such a big deal about it the night before and something he even talked(lied) about in his profile. But that was the least of what I was witnessing before me.
He had on a gray t-shirt that was probably two sizes too small. On that t-shirt on the right shoulder was an image of a slice of pepperoni pizza. An odd choice and it took me a second to realize what I was looking at. But then there were the pants. If I’m being perfectly honest, I didn’t even know they made pants like these. He had skin tight pants that could compete in tightness with any pair of jeggings I owned. Worse than that, these pants had a black, red, yellow checkered pattern. Just, wow. (Yes, I can be judgy)
He quickly invited me in as I took an extra moment to acknowledge what I was seeing. He seemed pretty nice still and I told myself that worst case at this point is that I would have one drink and find a reason to leave. We head to kitchen and he starts to make me a drink. He has a full liquor stock.
There is a static noise and someone talking. He runs to the living room. When he peaks his head back in he has on a headset – a video game headset. He tells me to finish making my drink however I want. He’s playing Fortnite online with his friends. Again, this a man in his mid thirties…
I text my friend. Her advice: “Make the drink strong, suck it down, and bail”.
I do just that. As I’m drinking his cat keeps attacking my feet. He informs me its because my socks make my feet look like toys. I take off the socks for the time being and hide them in my boots by the door.
I finish my first drink quickly and decide there is no harm in having one more. It’s cheaper than drinks at the bar, which I think I might stop at on the way home. I finish my second drink while texting my friend. As I go to leave he shuts off his game.
He decides we should talk and get to know each other more. I’m hesitant. Eventually he talks me into staying. Also, he had the newest Marvel movie which I’d wanted to see so he offered to put it on.
About 20 minutes in, more of the Frat boy side comes out. He tries the weird arm over the shoulder thing. I squirm out. He tried to grab my hand. I grab my drink. Finally, when I turn to give him a quick glance because I feel like he’s staring at me, he all out leaps as he saw my head turn as an invite to try to kiss me.
Me: What are you doing?
James: I thought it’s what you wanted
Me: No, what made you think that
James: Well you’re here
Me: I’m leaving
James: You should stay the night
I get up and gather my coat and purse. Meanwhile James continues to mansplain to me about all of my hidden signals and how no girl really wants to be “just friends”. I reach into my boots and only pull out one sock I put it on and clearly am looking for the other. James tells me his cat tends to steal socks. Frustrated I decide to put my boots on without my second sock.
James: You can't leave like that. Your forgetting your sock. How can you split up a pair?
Me(as I take off the other sock and drop it on his floor): Now they’re yours.
I put on my boots and left. He continued talking even as I closed the door. I don’t know what about.
As I pull into my driveway I hear my phone buzz. I look.
James: I completely screwed up my chance
Me: Yep
James: Well just know, you missed out on this:
Enter Dick Pic
Eyeroll. Delete. Block.
A couple days later I was telling my best guy friend this story. His reaction: “Bahahaha – you went on a date with a guy who matched his pants to a piece of pizza?!?” Pizzapants